Plan Z

Timing is everything, and the definition of irony

Note to lurkers: I turned off the requirement to give your email address in order to leave comments. Really hope to hear from you all and I will respond to all commenters that do leave an address. Thanks for reading. M

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One thing that has occupied my mind continually since I decided to pursue single motherhood is the fact that I have a great career that demands alot of my time. I realize this is something women have struggled with for generations. But it's especially important now that we're talking about MY child. Really, there are two things going on here; one, I don't want my baby to spend 12 hours a day in daycare, since that is currently the amount of time I am spending away from home five days a week. And I don't have a partner to help pick up the slack. Two, and this is unabashedly and complete, totally admitted selfishness on my part; I don't want to miss anything. I have spent the better part of seven years waiting for this child; I already love to stay home; and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss out on half his/her childhood.

So, the eternal working mother's conundrum: how are we going to do this? Corallary: the SINGLE working mother's conundrum: how am I going to do this?

I am so glad you asked that question.

So about a year ago, I came up with this great idea to start my own business. I won't go into the boring details just yet except to say that if everything goes according to plan(and we all know that it always does, right?), I should be able to work 20 hours a week and still bring in the income that I'm bringing in now. I feel fairly confident that I can pull this off, and from the dozen or so contacts and responses I got at the seminar today, I should be able to secure a fair amount of clients and accounts by the time the baby is born (Nov-Dec 2006 if the March transfer is successful). That's the good news.

The bad news is that I still have a full-time job, and trying to figure out how to transition is going to put a LOT of stress of things. And stress is bad during an IVF and a pregnancy, at least that's what I hear. I simply can't just leave my comfort zone at the old 9 to 5. Besides, even though it's costing me well over $10 K to undergo this IVF, it will cost me about $100 bucks to get through the pregnancy and delivery, complications notwithstanding. I have great insurance that covers zilch for infertility. And small business owners don't get great health insurance. Pretty ironic, huh?

So, what to do...I already informed those inquiring minds today that we're booked until April. Hm, smooth move, huh. I'm just not ready to get aggressive on it yet. But I'm getting there, and since I have a lot of things to get organized anyway, April is a good starting point.

Oh, and speaking of irony: a little over a year ago, before I knew I could even try double donor IVF, I was on a mad search for donated embryos. I went to message boards, and to a site that matched donors with hopeful recipients and even developed a relationship with a couple in Australia who absolutely adored me. Unfortunately, those plans fell through, the logistics were just too unrealistic. So I commenced to call every IVF clinic in my state and ask about thier programs. I was dismayed to discover that most leftover embryos are donated to couples, yes, couples, who are patients at that clinic. A few reluctant program directors, however, did put me on thier waiting lists.

One of them called me today. She has nine embryos looking for a good home.

I haven't called back yet <sitting with fingers in ears, drowning out sound of fudge frosting calling my name>. Timing really is everything.

Mourning the loss of controlled substances

I had my last cup of coffee this morning.

I'm okay. I haven't called the Starbucks withdrawal suicide prevention hotline yet.

Since we are shooting for a mid March transfer, my caffeine addiction is now on hold for an indeterminate period of time.  I know it's hard to believe, but I am okay with this. Certain people in my life may find this hard to swallow.

Since I only make coffee at home from whole beans, I had already tried to wean myself down by mixing my existing french roast beans with decaf beans. Nice try. I simply made it twice as strong, and drank twice as much. Like I really thought I could fool my brain. Every Friday I treat myself to a double bold venti from SB's. When I think of all the things I'm giving up, this pains me the most.

Don't get me wrong. I love a cold beer on a hot day. Or the perfect Bloody Mary, which I have spent years finding the recipe. I actually consider myself a Bloody Mary connoisseur. And as anyone of European descent prone to anxiety  knows (hmm...I think that's like, almost everybody I know), there's nothing like a Gray Goose martini with a Xanax chaser to take the edge off. As things stand now, my trusty old flask is now gathering dust and spiderwebs on the top of my fridge, and hasn't seen a drop of Jack Daniel's or Stoli in months. And just today at a posh seminar I turned down a very lovely ruby of Cabernet, complete with cheese and crackers to apertif'.

Nicotine is a whole 'nuther subject. I've been doing the gum for quite some time now, and down to just a few pieces a day. But make no mistake: cigarettes are the most evil, insidiuos, rotten, vile, disgusting pieces of crap created by the very minions of hell. Anyone who thinks I'm smart will change thier minds when they realize I sucked on these horrible sickening shit tubes for years. Now I get to mourn my beloved mom who died of a smoking related illness, my own precious ovaries and eggs which shriveled up long before thier time, and watch my angel of a Grandma desperately gasp for every breath with the 5% of what's left of her lungs while in the hospital for the FOURTH time. JUST STOP IT. These things I don't and won't miss at all.

But caffeine....oh sweet Mary. This is going to be the toughest of all. I'll never forget the look on my  poor niece's face one morning when she told me she used all the milk on her cereal. She thought I was going to commit murder on the spot. It was then I realized I had a problem. To send a sweet 7 year old into a paralysis of terror just isn't worth it.

I've been pretty good the last few years; switching to green tea often, only having one cup a day....but I think in the back of my mind is the chocolate thing. Especially since tonight I'm staying at T's during my seminar and she has a habit of keeping  a CAN OF CHOCOLATE FUDGE FROSTING in her fridge. Hmm I wonder who's going to be scarfing THAT in the middle of the night tonight???

Pray for me. And give thanks that chapstick is okay during fertility treatments and pregnancy.

In which I praise my egg donor to the skies (Part 1)

One of the scariest things I’ve ever done is to approach my prospective candidates for egg donation. When I made the decision once and for all, I had three ladies in mind; two family members and one family friend. I briefly considered anonymous egg donation, but became very discouraged when I saw the price tags some of these ladies were requesting. Also, anonymity is something I wasn’t completely comfortable with, and put a lot of thought into my candidates before approaching any of them. It took me weeks to get up the courage to ask my first candidate.

She was the family friend, and had four children of her own and was in her late 20’s. We had a lot of discussion, and she was willing at first, but then I sensed some hesitation on her part and came to discover she had some pretty serious health issues, so I told her I had other candidates in mind. She was very worried that she had hurt my feelings, but I wanted my donors to be absolutely certain when they made their decision. This was the reason I was so scared. I didn’t want anyone to feel bad for saying no. I mean, it really is a lot to ask of someone, and to donate without any compensation. I told her not to worry, that I felt good about not moving forward if it wasn’t the absolute right thing to do.

My second candidate pretty much made my head spin, she said yes so quickly. This is a woman who dealt with some IF issues of her own, and with the help of her clinic, gave birth to the most gorgeous twins last year. This is a woman who understands what I have been going through. Anyone who deals with IF knows it truly sucks ass, and it’s very hard to convey this to someone who has gotten pregnant easily and delivered healthy babies without ever giving it a second thought. The only reason she was not my first candidate was because she lives two states away. I thought the logistics would make it impossible. Now I have come to understand this is done all the time. Once again I’m kissing the ground at every turn. How was I so lucky to be born in a time where I can even try this? In a country where I’m not going to be ostracized for deliberately pursuing single motherhood?

To make a pretty picture even more beautiful, she is my cousin. Our fathers are brothers, and she could easily be my own sister, we have the same eyes. She even looks almost exactly like T did ten years ago. When I was considering adoption, or egg donation from a friend outside the family, I didn’t care about what my child would look like. I still don’t. But I do have to admit it is a nice bonus.

I don’t know who is more excited, her or me. Thank you, C, for your generosity. I already told her, "any bad karma you have backlogged is going to be erased now." She liked that idea.

Proof you can buy anything online

The first time I discovered sperm banks online, I was shocked. For a mere $300 you can get a complete stranger's boys delivered TO YOUR HOUSE. I remember laughing about this, while secretly in the back of my mind I was thinking, "you know, it's really not such a bad idea...." Hmm, how time and a good solid nervous breakdown can change your perspective.

I've got to admit I've been pretty impressed. There are some really great guys out there, and most of them are very good-looking (let's face it, I have my priorities). One thing I do find a little curious: how can they ALL have IQ's of 130+? They don't seem to jive with the SAT scores and GPA's. I think it's reasonable to assume there is a lot of fibbing going on here, I mean, it's like a resume, well....kind of! Lengthy posts about whether intellegence is genetic or acquired are coming soon.

My BFF and sister, (we'll call her T) has her fav runner-up, and now we're down to 3 finalists.

It's like a Mr. America pageant, without the bikini contest. (DAMN!)

How I got here

Last year when I turned 40, I was stunned to find myself alone and childless. After a very painful broken engagement to a man I’d been with for eight years (I was the one who walked away, but it was still awful), I thought to myself, "Self, how did I get here?"

Well, rather than give the bleak details of my life story I have decided to make light of the situation and now present to you: Plan Z

Plan A (1979): Meet a wonderful guy, get married, go to college, establish an amazing career, have a family. Realize that Plan A is not going to happen because Mr. Wonderful _____________ (pick reason below)

1. sleeps with other women
2. sleeps with other men
3. lies
4. is addicted to drugs
5. is addicted to alcohol
6. is addicted to sex (wait, that’s okay, I forgot)
7. doesn’t want sex (yeah, that’s what it is!)
8. can’t find a job
9. can’t keep a job
10. has too many jobs
11. expects you to support him financially
12. expects you to look like a supermodel at all times
13. expects the house to be spotless at all times
14. expects you to wait on him hand and foot
15. hates his mother
16. hates marriage
17. hates children
18. hates himself
19. hates you
20. is a Satan worshiper
21. is a religious fanatic
22. doesn’t believe in God
23. doesn’t believe in anything
24. doesn’t love you
25. doesn’t like you
26. doesn’t want to be in the same room with you
27. refuses to see a doctor for any reason
28. doesn’t take care of himself
29. doesn’t want to take care of you
30. doesn’t want to do anything
31. wants to do everything
32. never talks
33. never shuts up
34. never leaves the house
35. never comes home
36. is prone to fits of psychosis
37. is prone to fits of rage
38. is prone to fits of violence
39. etc, etc, etc.

Plans B-V: Repeat Plan A for 25 years with various reasons filled in the blank.

Plan W: Decide to become a lesbian. Change mind when you realize that a woman can also __________(fill in the blank). Also, that something really important is missing from this plan.

Plan X: Stay drunk for the next 40 years. Realize that you won’t get to keep the great career you’ve established if you pursue Plan X.

Plan Y: Come to understand that you can scrape yourself off the ground with love and support from friends and family, and no matter what happens, you’re going to be okay.

Plan Z: Take the plunge and pursue donor egg IVF and single motherhood.

And here we are. 2006. Thanks for reading. M

Welcome to Plan Z

I'm a single professional woman who has been struggling with infertility for many years. Last year I made the decision to use donor eggs, and because I'm single, donor sperm as well. I'm writing this blog for several reasons: to share my story with loved ones and those in the IF community; as a venue for thoughts, ideas, and I'm sure to get blasted by trolls who will be immediately shot on sight; and a place to vent my feeling of joy, anticipation, excitement, and my favorite: SHEER TERROR.

I've been toying with the idea of blogging for some time now, only the fear of getting dooced (go ahead, google it) has stopped me since I work in a VERY conservative office. I am learning that much of what I'm doing is subject to discretion, for reasons we shall go into soon. Only a handful of people know about this right now, and in some ways this is for them, but also it's about me getting out there on the IF blogging bandwagon and sharing my story. OK, ok, I know, everyone has such a unique story. But in the three years I have been reading IF blogs, I haven't seen one yet that is a single lady pursuing double donor IVF. So I'm a pioneer. Yeah, that's it!

Oh, and this is also to hopefully improve my writing. Those who know me well know I have many personalities, so be prepared for various moods ranging from hysterically funny to standing-on-the-ledge suicidal. I've pretty much made up my mind that this is it; if this doesn't work, child-free life is ahead of me. But we shall cross that bridge if and when the time comes if necessary. In the meantime thanks to all who are praying for me and everyone who 's supported me so far. M