They’re only going to be little once (or, the No-brainer)

Someone please tell me I’m making the right decision. I am facing the dilemma that every mother in this country faces when they become a parent. Going back to work. I’ve never been happier and I’ve never been unhappier.

Let’s do the intelligent thing: weigh the pros and cons.

I’ve never been happier because I finally am living the life I’ve dreamed of for years and years. And I’ve never been unhappier because the very thought of leaving my children with strangers, missing out on even one smile, not to mention important milestones like walking and talking, is so unbearable that I cannot even think about it for more than a minute. I don’t even have to do the pro and con thing because I think I made up my mind about this before I even got pregnant. I know this because I have lived in a trailer park and put up with noisy neighbors, a long commute, isolation, and a drafty, old, and tacky home for the last seven years because I thought I might need the economy of this living arrangement someday.

OK. I really do have it made at work. I’m in the same boat as Cecily. I've worked long and hard to get to this point. And they are giving me everything I want. Including an awesome salary. They’re letting me work part time. I suffered through years of agonizing college courses and five years of making a name of myself. I have my own nice office. I have the perk of intelligent conversation with colleagues my own age. I have great benefits, retirement and the respect of my family and friends. Those are the pros.

Cons: My supervisors and certain associates are very conservative. They look down their nose at me for my decision. It is a government job, and mind-numbingly boring. I was convinced I could do it in three days a week, in fact, I could do it in one day a week. I count the hours and minutes until I get to leave. That was before I had babies. They have the surveillance thing going on, and I have gotten written up for surfing the web. I also have to think about the commute, getting the twins into the car, driving 45 minutes, and sitting at my desk for 8 long hours while I dream of my beautiful babies in a room full of bratty, violent kids who will give them every cold and flu virus imaginable. So, be a stressed-out mom, always worrying about being on time and what is happening to my children while I’m playing solitaire and kissing my Bush-loving boss’s ass.

Staying home: pros: I get to be with my beautiful babies 24-7. I do what I want when I want. Enough said. Those two sentences say volumes. But I also get to stay up as late as I want. My house will be clean all the time. And I will finally get to really appreciate this beautiful place I live in, the oak trees, the birds, the river, and the stars at night. And I will be living a relaxed, low stress life and be a happy mom. Um, okay.

Cons: Being poor, worrying about money, eating beans and potatoes. Duh. I’ve done this all my life, except the last five years. Who knows I might just lose some weight not indulging on ribs, crab legs with butter and God in heaven the chocolate. The babies won’t care. But I do have some big hills to climb here: selling my love bug and buying a used 4-door with no payments; liquidating my retirement; relying on the state for the babes medical coverage. Dealing with white trash neighbors who now hate me for filing complaints against them for their thumping music. Hm, no big, right? They’re only going to be little once.

I love great quotes. Walt Disney said, "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known." Yes. I can relate. I’ve loved some amazing men. But I’m sorry, guys, nothing compares to these gorgeous, healthy babes. T tried to explain to me how you fall in love with your children, how there is twice the love for two. But I had no idea. I guess you just have to live it to really understand what that means.

I don’t mind the crying at 4 am. The slobber, the spit up, the poopy diapers. The fussiness. The hassle getting out of the house just to go for milk. The constant demands on my time. And don’t get me wrong. I love sleep more than chocolate. But I actually have found myself getting up early because I just want to hold them. To see them smile. To hear them laugh. To see them grow and change every day, every hour. And yes, it gets stressful. Sometimes I wish they would just shut up and go to sleep. One falls asleep, the other wakes up. But I don’t care. One smile and my heart is gone. I am truly in love. Whatever makes them happy makes me happy. I know they will be spoiled. Completely. But what can I do.

I see my daughter swaddled with a binkie, just sucking every few seconds. Why is this just the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen. Or my son just sitting up propped on the couch, arms flailing, smiling up at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. There is no amount of money or useless crap in my closet that can ever compare to that. Because they are happy. Content. Healthy. Money is crap. It means nothing. Being with them means more than a million dollars. Even Pamela Anderson said, "I had my kids so I could raise them myself."

And this is nothing compared to what is coming. Getting excited about bugs. Learning to swim. Reading. Spending lots of time with family and friends. How do I do all that and still get ready for work? I know millions of women do it. But I know I won’t be happy, stressed out all the time. I just want a little freedom to enjoy this. Without being a slave to a damn time clock.

The thing is, I only get to do this once. And I’m old enough to know that it is the most amazing and important thing I will ever do. So why am I so worried. Is it that I may never go back ? Once they are in preschool I will. But I still want to be here when they get home.

So it really is a no-brainer. I have no idea how I’m going to pull this off. I just have to make sure I have enough dough to keep up my DSL connection so I can still blog.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

[wendchymes]

I think that your heart is already telling you what to do. and I am struggling in the trenches having made the same choice, I was a nanny for 14 years, and now I am a single mom. I decided when my little girl was born, that I would try to spend every minute that I could with her, because as we all know, this time is so precious and you never will get it back. and even though I have literally been present every second of my daughter's life, I STILL FEEL LIKE IT HAS FLOWN BY! She will be 3 in april, and I have been nannying with her, struggling to pay the bills, haven't bought anything for myself in years, but it has all been soooo worth it. I think that if their is ANYWAY that you can make it happen, you owe it to yourself to try and make it happen. I sold my house, stock, jewelry,etc.... and it has been worth every sacrifice. I would do it again in a heart beat! best of luck, wendy

[Cerridwen]

I think you should stay home with your babies for at least a year if you can afford it! I certainly would. Working part time is the 2nd best option. Work doesn't sound particularly inspiring for you and you'd probably resent the hell out of it. I was raised by a single mom who left my "dad" when I was one. Mom was pretty zapped working as a teacher by the end of the day but she did her best. She told me once that if she had it to do over again, when she split with my Dad she'd have gone on welfare if she could just to have time with her two small children for a while before returning to work. Your babies will be little only for so long. What a precious gift you can give them with a safe, loving nurturing environment for their earliest memories. Studies have shown that talking to babies develops the neurons in their brains that lead to their ability to be verbal later. There is so much that is shaped for their whole lives in these early months/years, it's pretty incredible. Ok, I'll stop going on and on...this is a topic I've certainly thought a lot about too.

[Katherine]

hi, just found your blog and read it from start to finish. i'm currently 10w5d pg with DE twins and part of the thrill I have right now is that no way am I going back to work. I don't think there's anything wrong with working and daycare - I just know it's not for me. This has been too long of a wait and I don't want to miss a thing. Plus, hate my job and spend most of my time there blogreading! Hope you will keep on writing busy as you must be. Your children are so beautiful - and the video - i was a puddle!